Episode 197: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and Stop Self-Abandoning in Love with Trevor Hanson
Episode 197: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and Stop Self-Abandoning in Love with Trevor Hanson
If you’ve ever found yourself overthinking a text, fearing rejection, people-pleasing in relationships, over-giving to someone you love, or staying in a relationship long after you knew it wasn’t healthy, this episode is for you.
On this episode of the Smart Dating Academy Podcast, Bela Gandhi sits down with internationally recognized relationship coach Trevor Hanson to unpack anxious attachment, emotional availability, self-abandonment, and what it really takes to create secure, healthy relationships.
Trevor shares his own story of staying in a toxic relationship because of fears of rejection, abandonment, and not finding someone else. His experience ultimately led him to study attachment and develop a powerful approach centered around what he calls "emotionally corrective experiences."
The big idea? Knowing something intellectually is not always enough to change how we behave in love. We can read the books, listen to the podcasts, go to therapy, and understand our patterns, yet still find ourselves reacting from fear when someone doesn’t text back, pulls away, or triggers an old wound.
Real change happens when we begin creating new emotional experiences that teach our nervous system something different.
Bela and Trevor also explore one of the most important dating lessons of all: when we are afraid someone else will abandon us, we can unknowingly abandon ourselves first.
That can look like over-giving, people-pleasing, putting up walls, ignoring our needs, breaking commitments to ourselves, or speaking to ourselves in ways we would never speak to someone we love.
The goal is not to become perfect at dating. It is to become more secure, more self-trusting, and more emotionally available so you can build healthy relationships without losing yourself in the process.
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What You’ll Learn About Anxious Attachment and Secure Love
Anxious Attachment Is Not a Life Sentence
Trevor explains that anxious attachment can develop from many different kinds of emotional experiences. It is not necessarily the result of an obviously traumatic childhood or neglectful parents.
Sometimes, seemingly positive experiences can contribute to anxious patterns. Trevor shares how being viewed as the "golden child" created an internal belief that he needed to be perfect in order to maintain connection and love.
The result can be a subconscious pattern of:
Fear of rejection
Fear of abandonment
Self-doubt
People-pleasing
Over-functioning in relationships
Trying to earn love
Hiding mistakes or imperfections
Becoming hyper-focused on another person's behavior
Why Knowing Better Doesn't Always Mean You Can Do Better
One of the most fascinating parts of this conversation is Trevor's explanation of why insight alone may not change attachment patterns.
Our logical brain can understand that we are safe, worthy, and lovable. But our emotional brain can still react as if an old threat is happening right now.
That is why something as simple as not receiving a text can trigger an intense emotional response.
Trevor explains that attachment patterns become a form of automatic emotional programming. Because of that, we need more than information to change them.
We need new emotional experiences.
Emotionally Corrective Experiences Can Help Create New Patterns
Trevor's approach centers around "emotionally corrective experiences."
Instead of simply telling yourself that you shouldn't be anxious, the goal is to repeatedly experience safety, compassion, support, and self-trust in ways that create a new emotional association.
As Trevor explains, information can help you understand the problem, but you need to feel something new in order to heal something old.
This concept is especially powerful for people who have been trying to change their dating patterns for years and wonder why they keep repeating the same behaviors.
The Swiss Cheese Problem: Are You Abandoning Yourself?
One of Bela's most memorable metaphors in this episode is her comparison between American cheese and Swiss cheese.
In one area of life, you may feel completely whole and confident. Maybe you're a successful physician, executive, entrepreneur, or professional who knows exactly who you are and what you bring to the table.
But then you enter the dating world and suddenly feel full of holes.
Those "holes" can represent fears of rejection, insecurity, past heartbreak, dating anxiety, or beliefs that you are not enough.
The goal is not to find another person who fills every hole.
The goal is to recognize that you can become whole for yourself.
As Bela says:
"Nobody can abandon you or reject you if you don't reject or abandon yourself."
What Self-Abandonment Looks Like in Dating
Self-abandonment isn't always obvious.
It can look like:
Saying yes when you really mean no
Over-giving to earn someone's love
Becoming a people-pleaser
Ignoring your own needs
Over-functioning in a relationship
Putting up walls because you're afraid of getting hurt
Staying with someone who consistently doesn't meet your needs
Breaking commitments you've made to yourself
Constantly criticizing yourself after dates
Assuming someone else's behavior determines your worth
Approaching dating from fear rather than curiosity
Trevor points out that both over-giving and putting up walls can be forms of self-abandonment.
One pushes too far toward another person.
The other cuts you off from the connection you actually want.
Neither creates secure love.
Trust Issues May Actually Be About Self-Trust
Bela and Trevor also explore what happens after betrayal, infidelity, divorce, or another major relationship rupture.
After being hurt, it is natural to say, "I have trust issues."
But Trevor challenges listeners to look deeper.
Sometimes the bigger question is:
Do I trust myself?
Do you trust yourself to recognize red flags?
Do you trust yourself to leave when something isn't healthy?
Do you trust yourself to honor your needs?
Do you trust yourself not to abandon yourself for another person?
When self-trust grows, dating can begin to feel less like an audition and more like an opportunity to discover whether someone is actually compatible with you.
Stop Over-Giving to Earn Love
One of the most important patterns Trevor describes is over-functioning.
You give more.
You do more.
You anticipate their needs.
You try to keep them happy.
You try to make the relationship work.
And eventually, you may become resentful because your own needs aren't being met.
That resentment can then come out as criticism, which can cause the other person to become defensive, withdraw, or shut down.
Suddenly, the very abandonment you feared appears to be happening.
The answer is not to give more.
The answer is to stop abandoning yourself.
Secure Boundaries Are Not About Fighting
Bela and Trevor also challenge the idea that boundaries have to feel harsh, rigid, or confrontational.
Secure boundaries can actually feel much calmer.
A secure boundary is not necessarily:
"You cannot do this."
It can be:
"You can do whatever you want. This is how I will respond."
That distinction is powerful.
Healthy boundaries are ultimately about knowing yourself, knowing what you will and won't participate in, and being willing to act accordingly.
Trevor's advice is especially practical here: the more secure your boundaries are with yourself, the less often you may find yourself needing dramatic boundaries with other people.
A Simple Daily Question to Build Self-Trust
Trevor recommends a simple daily inventory:
"How have I either abandoned or shown up for myself today?"
Don't immediately try to fix everything.
Start by noticing.
Did you cancel something that mattered to you?
Did you ignore a need?
Did you speak harshly to yourself?
Did you say yes when you wanted to say no?
Did you keep a promise to yourself?
Awareness can help you begin changing the pattern.
Your Relationship With Yourself Matters
Trevor shares a powerful story about protecting an appointment he had made with himself while recording another podcast.
The appointment wasn't with a boss, client, or important executive.
It was with himself.
He wanted to take a break, eat lunch, and go swimming.
By honoring that commitment, he was sending himself a subconscious message:
I matter.
Every time we keep a commitment to ourselves, we reinforce that message.
Every time we repeatedly break those commitments, we can reinforce the opposite.
This is a small but powerful way to begin building self-trust and emotional security.
Key Takeaways From Bela and Trevor
Anxious attachment can be changed.
Understanding your patterns intellectually may not be enough.
Emotional experiences can help create new emotional patterns.
Fear of abandonment can lead to self-abandonment.
People-pleasing and over-giving can push you away from your own needs.
Putting up walls can also become a form of self-abandonment.
Trust issues may involve a lack of trust in yourself.
Healthy boundaries start with boundaries you have with yourself.
Self-care can become a way of reinforcing the belief that you matter.
You don't need another person to make you whole.
Secure dating starts with learning how to show up for yourself.
About Trevor Hanson
Trevor Hanson is an internationally recognized coach who helps individuals and couples create secure, thriving relationships. After his own experience with anxious attachment and a painful relationship breakdown, Trevor began studying the patterns that keep people stuck in insecure relationships.
Today, his work focuses on helping people move toward greater security, self-trust, emotional regulation, and healthier relationships.
Find Trevor through The Art of Healing by Trevor and the Secure Self Club.
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Trevor’s website: https://theartofhealingbytrevor.com/
