Kim Kardashian and her Men - High or Low GHQ?
As a dating coach for singles nationwide, I see and hear it all. I help men and women to start dating smarter, making better choices, and find love / marriage. Many of our clients come to us, disappointed and frustrated, only to realize that they’ve been chasing the same types of people over and over again, yet expecting totally different results (the Einsteinian definition of insanity). Through revealing exercises, we help analyze dating patterns (we explore what worked and what didn’t in their previous relationships). And…we determine what they actually need in a happy relationship (vs. what they say they just “want”). Interestingly, the problems my clients experience are continuously replicated in dramatic style in Hollywood. The most obvious current of example of this is Kim Kardashian.
Kim is interesting, and like many other women (starlets and us mere mortals). Although she fancies herself to be a victim of their selfishness, womanizing, etc – she continues to do find and marry the same types of men again and again. I see this every day in my office….women saying, “But I can’t HELP who I’m attracted to.” Sure you can. This is not rocket science. You need to turn the brain switch on (and not succumb to old habits), and do some pattern analysis. When you get clarity, and decide to change, it’s amazing how quickly my clients re-magnetize their dating compasses, and start “dating smart.”
Women’s greatest relationship needs are to feel like a man’s #1 priority: secure, supported, and unconditionally loved. Men who consistently make us feel this way are what I’ve termed High GHQ (high in “good husband qualities). However, I’ve discovered that a great dichotomy exists between our needs and what we say we want/chase. In our first meeting at Smart Dating Academy, I ask each female client to describe in great detail their “dream guy” - and I write down every word (sometimes it’s a LOOOONG list!). Amazingly, over 90% of women mention three traits as most important:
Is there anything wrong with tall, funny and successful men? Not at all. There are plenty of men who are tall, funny and successful, who are also high GHQ. The problem arises when we become so blinded by how tall, funny and successful some men are that we fail to realize they are low GHQ. We chase the “Ooh, but he’s tall, famous, successful,” and we hope we can fix them or that they’ll change – but this almost never happens. We may never know Kim Kardashian’s true thoughts (OR EVEN IF SHE HAS ANY…), but if we look closely for a moment at her checkered relationship history, we see a common theme: She has continued to chase low GHQ guys.
1) Damon Thomas music producer (married 2000-2004). Kim eloped with him at age 19. He was good looking, talented and successful. However, the GHQ side? Sorely lacking, as according to Kim, he was physically and emotionally abusive and demanded she get liposuction. Despite the slimmer bod, we’d rank him high on wants, low on needs = Low GHQ. Sorry Damon. Did we learn? Not so much. Enter Ray J.
2) Ray J R&B star (2005-2006) A passionate relationship that ended in a very public breakup. Kim did it again – good looking, talented and famous. GHQ side? Well, let’s just say he didn’t make her feel like she was important or secure. Sex tape, anyone? Ray J = Very low GHQ.
3) Reggie Bush NFL player (2007-2009) -. An off again, on again relationship with reports of his affairs with other women. Tall, dark, handsome and famous? Definitely. Made her feel secure, safe, and prioritized. Au contraire. If she needed to feel humiliated and devalued, then her needs were met. Reggie = Low GHQ
4) Kris Humphries NBA star (married 72 days). Fast and furious with a fairy tale $10MM wedding and a 6 ft cake. Tall, handsome, and famous? Yep. The needs? Pretty unmet. Moody, mean, self-centered and distant before the marriage, and partied like a rock star on her dime. GHQ – I think not. The lesson? Don’t build a cake with crumbling pillars.
A good husband is cute to you, stable, kind, consistent, confident, reliable, loyal, and generous. He makes you feel safe. He makes you his priority. He comes home to you every night and is a good partner. A good husband pulls his own weight – takes the butterflies OUT of your stomach (friends, butterflies are anxiety, nothing else). If he’s tall, funny, and successful, and that’s what you want, bonus! Kim – if you’re out there, and reading this, give me a call, and we’ll put you through the Marriage Map process – which will help you figure out who is right for you - because it’s never too late.
If he’s not High GHQ - think twice and three times about why you’re dating this person – so you don’t end up in the same repetitive sinking boat and watching another 10 years go by – wondering why things haven’t changed. One thing my clients learn is that things CAN change, but first, they have to change!!!’
Sun, December 18, 2011
by Bela Gandhi filed under