Get a date by Christmas (or the Holidays)!

Every Saturday this December, hear Bela Gandhi on Bill Moller's show on WGN Radio. Every week she is sharing tips about how to land a date by the holidays and assigning homework to help you out! Her tips are being tested by "test-daters" Kay and Elaine. Tune in every week to see how they are doing and to hear the next set of valuable tips!

Meet our "Test Daters" Kay and Elaine! The following are photos that they had done for their online dating profiles by our amazing photographer, AJ. Notice how full and half body shots are included and they are looking directly into the camera with gorgeous smiles!

Kay launched her online profile during the first week and received 50 contacts in 48 hours!! 

The photo shoots are fun and natural! Below are snapshots from both Kay and Elaine's photo shoots with Bela.

Week 1: Get Yourself Into the Right Mindset and Get Online the Right Way!

Below are the tips we gave on the radio, and underneath is your homework for week #1!!

1. Adjust your belief system.... (there ARE great partners out there for you. Negativity will hinder you).
2. Successful dating begins and ends in your mind. Are there mental roadblocks getting in your way? Do you believe that you're too old, too heavy, that all the good ones are taken, whatever it is, you need to understand what it is that's been holding you back from jumping right in. Dating successful requires hope, resilience and perseverance - determination. You must believe that there is someone out there for you.
3. Get online. There are over 1,500 online dating sites to choose from. Pick 2 sites to be on. I suggest big sites like Match.com, Chemistry.com, eHarmony, JDate if you're Jewish, etc. To get online, you need great photos, head to toe, and a bright smiling headshot that is current! 4-5 pictures total. No other people in the pictures (do NOT cut or scratch people out). The photos should be high resolution, no more than one year old!!
4. Write a compelling profile. It should be around 300 words, positive, fun, playful, specific. SHOW don't tell. Instead of saying you're "kind" - tell us what that means to you (example: I'll cook you my from scratch chicken soup when you get your first bad flu)...

HOMEWORK:

1. Figure out what your internal roadblocks, if any, are. Write them down, and if necessary, talk about them with friends/family or people that you know best. Then, once you know what they are, resolve to not let them stop you and get your motor running!
2. By next week, you should have picked at least one site to get on. Surf the sites and see what makes sense for you.
3. Get great photos - Dress yourself nicely (men: sport coats, jeans, a crisp shirt, nice shoes / women: pretty colors, feminine styles like dresses and skirts). Have someone take them for you, or call us at Smart Dating Academy :)
4. Write a good profile - It's hard to write about yourself, so enlist someone to help you.
5. If you get all this done and launch yourself online, start emailing at least 5 people/day. Tip: If you get on Match.com, use Mutual Match to find the best matches.

Please email us at bela@smartdatingacademy with questions!! Can't wait to hear how you're doing :)

In case you missed it, here is the podcast!

Week 2: Keep Online Dating & add "real life meetings"

As we instructed last week, you should be on a minimum of one online dating site, with 5-6 great pictures (headshots and body shots), a fun, specific profile. You should also be sending 5 emails per day to people that you're interested in! Adding the next step, which will definitely put some zazz into your step, is getting to "real life" events! Here are some of our favorites:

1. Find meet-up groups based on what you like, and attend 1-2 this week (www.meetup.com). You can type in your zip code, interests, and presto! Groups pop up based on what you're looking for / love to do. Remember that you're looking to meet someone though, so if you're a woman looking for a man, don't just look for Pilates groups, etc. Look for co-ed events where men are likely to go!
2. Find a Speed Dating Event… Date and Dash (www.dateanddash.com)
3. Mac and Cheese Minglers (macandcheeseproductions.com)
4. Mingle Around (www.minglearound.com)
5. MeSoFar...(mesofar.net)

HOMEWORK: Find as many groups/events as you can with meet ups this week, and go to at least 1 or 2. And, continue to email 5 people per week!

Week 3: Increase your social circles through your connections

1. Play 6 Degrees of Me on Facebook
2. Use Twitter to set up meet ups
3. Play "Connection Wheel" and think of everyone you know who can help you get dates!!
4. Have a singles dinner (a "Plus One" Party)

As always, feel free to email us at bela@smartdatingacademy.com with questions!

 Week 4: Journey to a Date for the Holidays

Bill talks to Bela, Kay, and Elaine, about the journey they’ve taken to get a date by the holidays. Hear how their story ends!

In case you missed it, here is the podcast!

Most of my date coaching clients come to our first session with a dating checklist — a list of desires they want in their mates. I love lists; they’re a great way to focus your search. But having coached hundreds of singles nationwide, what I’ve found is that many women who are unhappily single have been working off the wrong lists. They spend their dating energy looking for men who are impressive on paper, and that their friends will envy: tall, devastatingly handsome, super-smart, charming and wealthy. For years, these women bounce from “impressive” man to man, ignoring many red flags of unavailability along the way, and ending up a few years older, with a heart that needs mending each time. For these women to find love, a major, even seismic dating shift is necessary.

The big change that brings love success is prioritizing men based on what I call “Good Husband Qualities.” Men who have high GHQs tend to be reliable, loyal, generous, honest, smart and cute; in other words, great long-term partner material. Can they be “impressive” in a traditional sense? Absolutely. However, the key point is that high-GHQ men “show” their character consistently versus speaking empty words and breaking promises. High-GHQ men are everywhere, and I guarantee my clients that their high-GHQ guy will arrive in different packages than they expect.

Take Jen: 39, pretty, 5-foot-6 and successful. More than anything, Jen wanted to get married and have kids, and felt her clock ticking. Her dating checklist over the past ten years had been “tall, Ivy-league educated and doctor/lawyer/banker.” No GHQs anywhere on her list. As a result, she had been lied to, cheated on and let down 50 different ways by the good-on-paper guys. After a few weeks of counseling, the light bulb switched on for Jen, and she was ready to jump back into the dating pool with her new high-GHQ goggles. After going on 13 dates over a six-week period, a friend introduced her to Dean at a party. He was charismatic, funny and worked in real estate. He was also 5-foot-6 — someone she wouldn’t have given a second glance to before. Dean was “quirky-cute,” and a bit on the stocky side with a receding hairline — and yet Jen somehow found herself giddy when he called her the next day for a date. Dean fell hard and fast for Jen, and to Jen’s complete surprise, she was smitten. Tall? Nope. Harvard? Nope. Doctor? Nope. High GHQs? Yes. Cute to her? Absolutely. He made her feel safe, secure and attractive. He called when he said he would, brought her out with his friends, introduced her to family, helped her move offices and promised that after six months of dating, they would get engaged. Almost one year to the day after they met, they were married. Now, at 41 years old, Jen has a husband and a beautiful seven-month-old son.

If I haven’t convinced you yet of the need for high GHQs vs. traditional dating requirements, then consider this: The average American male is between 5-foot-8 and 5-foot-9. And pretty much all of the women I work with prefer starting their online dating height requirement at 5-foot-10.

Ladies, review your checklists for 2013, and remember to put on your high-GHQ goggles if you want to find love, once and for all.

Read original article here*

Talking points for common family interrogations.
By Lauren Viera

You know the routine: As soon as everyone at the family gathering has had a drink, the floor is open…for disaster. If you had a dollar for every time your mother-in-law asked you why she doesn’t have any grandkids yet, you’d have enough money to bribe a professional child model just to get her off your back. To prep you, we posed three family-interrogation scenarios to the pros.

If you’re unemployed
Use your relatives to widen the net.
“Work the room,” says Bela Gandhi, founder and president of Smart Dating Academy, who also offers career coaching. “Tell whoever’s asking, ‘The job search is good, but it could always be better, and that reminds me: I was hoping I could pick your brain and ask if you know anyone at these companies.’ You never know. You might think Grandma just sits at home and knits scarves, but Grandma’s neighbor might be the CFO of Redbox.”

If you’re not dating anyone
Keep your personal life personal.
Decide ahead of time how much you want to share and stick to it, says Shisha Amabel, a licensed therapist on the clinical staff at Cathedral Counseling Center. “These questions can be very intrusive, and even though it’s family who’s asking, that doesn’t mean you have to open up your whole life.”

If you’re married but not procreating
Turn the question back on the asker.
If a family member is asking about your nonexistent offspring for selfish reasons, which is likely the case with an anxious mother-in-law who’s excited for grandkids, politely ask the relative why he or she is so concerned, says Nikki Lively, a staff therapist at Family Institute at Northwestern University. “It takes the pressure off you,” Lively says. “It’s a way to soothe the other person’s emotional anxiety while getting through the question.”

Original Article*

Pete McMurray and Bela Gandhi have a great time discussing everything to do with dating! The best thing you can do for yourself when launching yourself into the dating world in 2013 is making a dating plan. Listen as Bela gives great tips for dating plans, and explains why each of the tips are so important. They also discuss dating dos and don'ts, dressing for a date, where to meet people, etc.

Listen to the 12/31/12 podcast here!

December 31, 2012 -- Finding love online is becoming more and more popular, and there is a RIGHT way to do it.

It's reported that 1/5 marriages in 2011 took place because of online dating. The smart thing to do is decide to get on at least one if not two dating sites (there are over 1,500 registered sites). And, think of your profile and photos as your personal advertisement in cyberspace!

Dating expert and founder of Smart Dating Academy, Bela Gandhi shows how to make your on-line profile stand out from the millions of other profiles to get attention and to get someone to click on you!

Top/Common Profile Mistakes:

1) Being generic in your essays is a big mistake. "Show don't tell, and be specific!" 9 out of 10 profiles read the same way online, for example: "I'm fun, adventurous, and am just as comfortable in jeans as I am in a ball gown." This is NOT memorable; be authentic and unique. Instead of saying "I'm thoughtful" - think of a 1-2 sentence example that SHOWS how you're thoughtful. Example: "I'm the guy that will clean the snow off of your car, and warm it for you on a blizzardy day."

2) Spelling and grammar - Your online profile is your personal advertisement in cyberspace! People are brutal in their judgments of intelligence online. If your profile mixes up "your" and "you're", people may assume you're not well educated. Use a dictionary or spell check!!

3) Length - Don't make it too short or too long. Sticking to essays between 250-350 words is great! Writing about yourself is one of the toughest things to do well with online dating, so seek out friends for help if they're good writers, or hire a professional to do it. It's well worth it.

Q: How do you make a better profile photo? Great photos will make or break your profile. We are all visual creatures, but men tend to spend more time looking at photos than women. You need 5-6 total photos to make a compelling online dating montage.

1) First, you need a great headshot - Your opening photo is the most important picture. Direct eye contact with the camera, with a great smile. You should look warm and welcoming, so that the viewer will want to click on your profile, instead of one of the multitudes of others on the page! It should be well lit!

2) You need bodyshots! People want to see what you look like from head to toe!

3) No other people, pets, kids in your shots....And, dress to impress in your photos. Men, wear a nice sportcoat, dark jeans, a crisp shirt underneath, or nice layered sweater looks. It goes a LONG way, and doesn't look like you're trying too hard. For women, look feminine! Pretty blouses, dresses and skirts in solid bright colors photograph best!

What should be in profile?

1) Fun facts about you that are different....for example, maybe you won a hula hoop contest, you've hiked up Mount Everest, you're a 10 time marathon runner,

2) Things that you love to do - hobbies, interests, places you've been, places you want to go...

3) A great username....think of 3 adjectives that can be used to describe you in a clever way. String those together - think of your username as your product name!! If you are a teacher, and a great cook, you can call yourself, ZagatRatedTeacher!

What should never be included in profile?

1) Anything NEGATIVE - you don't want to be perceived as negative and with baggage. "If you're a drama queen or party girl, please don't bother emailing me." "If you're looking to hook up, look elsewhere." "I hate these online sites, but I figured everyone else is doing it...so what the heck."

2) Don't include your NAME in your username. You don't want people to know your name before you're ready....in a world of where people can take your image and a name, and google you.

3) Anything about your exes, personal problems. Everyone has issues, but this is NOT the venue to put it forward. Let people get to know the great side of you first, date you, and then like you. We all have our pasts and baggage, let that come out later.

View Original Article Here*

By: Jessica Moazami

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Life coach Bela Gandhi has been connecting people all of her life. As well as having an extensive career in life coaching she is also the founder of Smart Dating Academy, a dating coaching service for busy professionals. Called "The Fairy Godmother of Dating" by the Huffington Post, Bela is also a contributor to Today’s Chicago Woman and has been featured as a dating and relationship expert for Windy City Live, the Chicago Tribune and WGN-TV. Bela resides in Chicago, and has been happily married for 15 years with 2 children. WHAT’S YOUR FASHION ADDICTION?
As for clothing, I love simple pieces with one "edgy" element. Maybe an unexpected ruffle, an asymmetrical sleeve, something :) I love flipping through InStyle or Vogue as I'm sitting on a plane - my guilty pleasure!

HOW WOULD YOU DEFINE CHICAGO'S FASHION STYLE?
Stylish with a sense of sensibility!

WHAT DOES FASHION MEAN TO YOU?
Fashion means dressing so that you feel gorgeous, inside and out.

WHAT’S THE MOST PRIZED POSSESSION IN YOUR CLOSET?
A grey wool Prada outer coat that is so beautiful, I often wear it as a blazer. And, the best, most flattering LBD ever which I picked up at TJ Maxx.

WHICH DESIGNERS DO YOU WORSHIP?
Badgley Mischka –they've never made a gown I didn't like.

BEST BEAUTY TIP YOU’VE EVER RECEIVED?
The Japanese hair straightener for my bad Indian hair. And, the best liner for brown eyes is blue –adds sizzle with a pop of color.

Read original article here.

November 19th, 2012

Founder & President of Smart Dating Academy

We love your nail color!
Thank you! It’s called ‘Soul Mate’ and I didn’t choose that for any reason except my manicurist said I do the same color every two weeks and I needed a slight variation. My pulse was racing and I’m like, ‘I don’t know if I can change!’ [Laughs]

When did you realize you had a knack for matchmaking?
Oh my gosh, a long time ago! It started in college with my college roommate … I would tell her she needed to get out more and I went out to a party one night and I came home and I’m literally bubbling over and she’s like, ‘What is wrong with you?’ and I’m like, ‘I met your husband tonight!’ But he had a girlfriend … Fast forward to three years later, I get engaged and my parents throw me an engagement party and the guy is there and the roommate is there because he is a friend of my husband. He kind of grabbed my elbow and he goes, ‘Bela, is that the girl you were obsessed with setting me up with at school?’ and he goes, ‘She is cuter than I remember!’ I said, ‘She’s always been that cute, you’re just single now!’ I told him he had six months before our wedding to man up and call her…I would check in with him every month. Fast forward to month five and he still hadn’t called her! I said, ‘Fine, this is never going to happen.’ Now it’s our wedding night and we are sitting there at our own reception and everyone is dancing and we are drinking champagne looking down from this raised table and we see the two of them slow dancing! It turned out he finally asked her out the Saturday night before. They went out every single night that week! Our wedding was like their eighth date. Two years later they called and said they got engaged!

What had you been doing as a career then?
I was running a chemicals company at this point. I ran a business for twelve years that made Teflon for cookware and bakeware. People say I went from chemistry to chemistry! I put the phone down and—I’m not one of those people that believe in a light bulb going off but—I just said, ‘I’m supposed to do this someday.’ My husband said, ‘Do what?’ and I said, ‘Help people find who they are supposed to be with!’ Ten years later from that date I actually put my plan together and started a business. Now it’s been three years. I started out matchmaking … Most matchmakers will give you a date a month but there is still 60 other meals, what are you going to be doing for the other 59? It evolved six months later [to a date coaching service] …Just this year we had three engagements, two babies and three weddings!

What are some of the biggest mistakes people make while dating these days?
People screen people out so quickly, especially as technology has hit dating. Ten years ago, when we were dating there was no internet, there was no Match.com. So now, people feel like the next best date is a mouse click away. One of the other mistakes I have found that really makes a difference is we are all expecting to be liked, that’s what everyone wants and the best way to get someone to like you is to genuinely like them first. Transition your mindset. Successful dating really starts and ends in your mind. If you are looking for what’s good in that person—I’m not saying this person is going to be your husband or your soul mate—but when you walk in [think], ‘I’m going to find what’s good about this person and I’m going to have fun,’ then the dates start to become more fun. You start to put better energy out there. You get the third date, the fourth date, the guys don’t vaporize. It’s amazing what happens.

What is the number one thing you hear that is a dating deal breaker?
One of the biggest problems that men complain about with women—especially with professionally successful women—is that they have taken on more of a masculine veneer and they want to talk about how successful they are at work and all of these great things they’ve done at work and they have their Blackberries on and they are talking about these big deals and women have taken their work persona to their dates and that is a huge … They are like, ‘ She’s amazing, she is super cool but I’d rather hire her than date her.’ Because it was more competitive.

Do you believe everyone really does have a soul mate?
I believe there is somebody for everybody but I believe that there are lots of different soul mates. So I don’t believe there is only one person for us. That should encourage you! Think of your ‘have to haves’ and as soon as he doesn’t meet one, I don’t care how hot he is, I don’t care how successful he is, throw him back to the pond … It’s big things, like is your religion important to you? It’s the big things that are going to matter long term. Do you want to have kids?

Do you want to work?
We saw you offer a Flirting 101 class. Can you share the cliff notes with us?
Oh, absolutely! One of the best flirting tips I can give you is that if you are interested in someone that is looking at you [give] three seconds of eye contact with a smile! I will warn you it is going to seem like an eternity… Be present.

Does the standard ‘don’t sleep with someone on the first date’ rule still apply these days?
Sex is a big deal. Yes! I’m fairly old school with that because I’ve seen that it makes a difference. Don’t have sex until you have that conversation and you are in an exclusive relationship … There is science to this. So, when we have sex we secret a hormone called oxytocin. Oxytocin is also the hormone in pregnant and nursing women that lets your milk in and also allows you to bond with your babies and puts you into labor. So when we give off this hormone it’s the attachment hormone. So when women have sex with men too early you are flowing with oxytocin, what do you feel? You feel attached! And this is how good women stay with bad guys. Suddenly you’ve had sex and now you can’t stop thinking about this guy even though he might be a complete zero and inconsistent and unreliable but still he gets into our bloodstream because there is oxytocin in the bloodstream. It’s literally scientific.

Is it the same for men?
A lot of guys can get attached to women as well during sex because they secrete oxytocin as well. I think men have a better mechanism to sort of love us and leave us quickly and if they aren’t that into us they can sleep with us and have nothing invested in it. There are all sorts of chemistry; physical and emotional chemistry. Men are clearly wired by physical chemistry first. You have to give them awhile to develop the like. So when we sleep with them too early, a lot of time we stunt that emotional connection. Haven’t you had a guy grow on you? That you weren’t attracted to in the beginning?

Yes!
And that’s what happens. We are sparked emotionally and that’s when physical chemistry develops. So if a girl tells me, ‘Oh my gosh, he is so hot!’ and lights up like a blow torch I’m like, ‘Whoa! Hold on a second!’ If you need to go out and have a bender then go out and have a bender. [Laughs]

What advice do you give when it comes to texting?
Don’t text too much! People don’t have context when they read a text, like why did he say yes instead of yeah with an exclamation point and a smiley face? [Laughs] And people misinterpret texts all of the time or you’re in a texting marathon, like every ten seconds you are texting back and forth and all of sudden someone has to go to the bathroom and it’s been three minutes and then you’re like, ‘Oh my God, shedoesn’tlike me! See. I knew it was going to go sideways.’ And then we tell ourselves these crazy stories. So I’d say don’t text!

What are the key components when you are considering someone as your life partner? Not everyone has those love at first sight moments.
I tell people all of the time, marry for character. Marry a person that makes you feel happy, makes you feel safe and secure because so much of the time we search for the elusive chemistry and what is chemistry? A lot of it is lust in the very beginning, which is scientifically proven to reduce after two years. So ultimately, I always tell everyone you should be attracted to the person but if it doesn’t hit you over the head date one like, ‘I didn’t feel a connection, toss him back,’ give it three dates. If you think it’s a nice person and there is something good to it, keep dating that person until you know for sure. So now I usually say go up to six dates with that person. And then if you tell me you would run out of the room if he tried to hold your hand then okay we are done.

One topic to avoid in the early stages of dating?
Don’t talk about anything that is negative or that can lead to a debate. First dates are like a job interview. So think about what you are going to say!

What should you do on a first date?
Don’t do coffee. Coffee feels like an interview. It’s awkward! Meet for a drink or an appetizer and cap it at 90 minutes … Leave them wanting more. You know if you are drinking a lot and you are hanging out with this person for eight hours you’re going to probably talk about things that you shouldn’t on the first date. [With] too much time and too much alcohol, you are probably going to go down those dark allies. Then you go home together and it’s all a mess. Abridge it! Make in an hour and half, two hours. If you are having fun, then great, you’ll be looking forward to it again.

What other things do you tell people who are getting out of a relationship or can’t move on past their exes?
If they can’t stop thinking about their ex then either they aren’t ready to do this or you need to cut it off completely. I don’t want you to be in contact with that person anymore. Go and get rid of anything they’ve ever given to you; all pictures, all gifts, like hardcore! Purge yourself! That is bad energy!

You are happily married now. Were you always in great relationships or have you had any crappy boyfriends?
No, not always! Didn’t we all? I had a relationship in college which was what I thought I wanted. I want him to be tall, super smart, very edgy and he was all that was good and bad that I thought I wanted. The highs were really high in the beginning and then the lows were really, really low. It was really hot and cold. There would be days he would just be mean because that is what he felt like that day or he would disappear for five days and finally two years later I said enough is enough. Granted, I was really young. I just said, ‘We are done.’ I’m a finance major, so once I closed the door,I took out my notebook. What did I learn from this guy? What worked? What didn’t work? What was his responsibility? What was mine? What do I know I want in a person? And one of my top three things was that I want someone that is a good person, who has a pleasant disposition everyday. Someone who is nice to me and nice to everyone.

How did your husband propose?
I’m a painter and I’ve always been into art and I love the French impressionists. He took me to the Art Institute for some fake exhibit that was going on … He did it in front of [Claude] Monet’s water lily. I had no idea it was going to happen! I said I should call my parents and he’s like, ‘Everyone is meeting us for dinner.’ Both of our families were there.

Does your husband make you happy every single day?
No! [Laughs] We argue but we never let it escalate.

If you could have a drink with anyone, who would it be?
I would love to have a drink with Barack Obama! Let’s assume he is alpha [laughs] so whatever he is having I’d love to try it! Tell me what your favorite is and I’ll have that.

Read the original article here.

Bela Gandhi takes the stress out of getting dressed!

If real life dating isn't awkward enough, I have news. Online dating takes as much, if not more, preparation to make your BEST first impression! Don't freak yet! Bela Gandhi has it covered. She's like your "Dating Fairy Godmother" in a one-stop shop. We've got her dating dress DOs and DON'Ts all mapped out for you. Let's get started!

You could be setting yourself up for cyber-love failure! But don't worry, there is an emergency contact available for this very specific situation and she comes in the form of an extra-strength dating super-hero that will whip your love life into shape, if you're open to a few changes, of course. Yes, what you look like on the outside will outweigh how amazing you are on the inside if you don't dress the part. If you subscribe to the "you are what you eat," then you best believe also, "you are what you wear."

Enter Bela Gandhi, founder of the Smart Dating Academy. Her turnkey date coaching service provides busy professionals with dating coaching, image consulting, personal shopping, professional photography and online etiquette. Bela has an uncanny sixth sense about people, and both her intuition and coaching have been responsible for several marriages (and children) since 1999, so you're in good hands singles!

Bela started like any natural matchmaker, setting up her best friend! She hadn’t dated in 6 years and Bela told her to go out with one guy, “he’s going to be your husband!” Guess what? He is. This instance prompted Bela to follower her intuition and put her matchmaking skills to work full-time. Within the first six months of matchmaking adventures, she quickly figured out that her clients were solely relying on her for dates, which made her think, "What are you doing the rest of the month?" Time for online dating.

Ultimately she realized her clients needed more than an introduction to a potential partner, they needed to learn the rules of personal presentation. From online profile descriptions to pictures to dressing, Bela changed her business to being more than a matchmaker, she's also a personal image consultant leading you through the trenches of online dating and pointing out the pitfalls most singles make in presenting their best self to potential dates.

Clearly our biggest concern at Garmental is what you wear. We're not that shallow, but guess what? The rest of the world judges you on your attire and we want you to be prepared to make the best first impression possible. So, think about how you dress for a first date, grocery shopping, at the coffee shop or any other daily errand where you might bump into your future husband or wife. It's time to take the way you dress seriously and step up your garmental game!

Bella's Rules: Follow these simple steps to a perfect first impression
MEN
1) Hygiene is key - make sure your breath is fresh and minty, no nose hairs or ear hairs visible, and go LIGHT on the cologne. Just a touch
2) Never wear: Ratty band t-shirts, jeans with more stuff on the butt than hers, ill fitted clothes (too big or too small are big no-nos), a bluetooth. Check your clothes for stains before wearing them! If you're badly dressed, she'll think you're living in a fashion vacuum or just wholly unaware of current culture!
3) Women LOVE well dressed men; Smart Dating Academy's "Men's Date Uniform" = a great sport coat, pressed shirt, dark straight legged jeans, and cool belt/shoes = slam dunk EVERY TIME. If you want to go more casual, get a great cotton V neck sweater, with a collared shirt underneath, dark jeans, great shoes. These looks say "HOT", and the kind of guy I want to be seen with! Confident, stylish, powerful.

WOMEN
1) Leave the super low cut shirts, super high skirts and dresses, and super low jeans (where we can see your thong peeping out) at home. Can say "low-class" or "one-night stand" gal;
2) Spend some time getting ready - men want to know that you are excited about the date, and took some time getting ready. Put on some makeup; research shows that men LOVE pink and red lips, so bring out the lipsticks!!
3) The Fashion Look that Will Get Them Everytime? Feminine looks! Beautiful blouses that elegantly highlight your figure, skirts, dresses (yes, even in winter - you can throw on great tights and boots)! Men like girls who look like girls (they could bring home to their moms)! Classy and feminine = awesome!
4) Final Touches: A little perfume, hair down, and you're good to go!!!

**For full images and the original article from garmental.com, click here.

How politically divided couples survive election season

October 23, 2012

It was sometime during the 2008 election that Alex Roberts and Kelly Woodward realized there was an elephant--and a donkey--in the room.

The couple had been dating for two years after being introduced through friends at the University of Missouri. When they met, they both leaned Republican.

But in the months leading up to the 2008 election, Roberts-who voted for Bush in 2004-turned Democrat because he was unhappy with the course of the country. Obama became his guy.

At the same time, nothing changed for Woodward. McCain was still her guy-but so was Roberts.

As the years have passed, Roberts and Woodward say they have come to appreciate their interpolitical relationship because it has lead to feisty discussions. The first debate between President Obama and Republican challenger Mitt Romney sparked a similar amount of mudslinging in their Lincoln Park household-"It's all we could do to not kill each other," Roberts, 26, told RedEye.

"We're both passionate about what we believe in," Woodward, 27, said. "We fight about it back and forth and then laugh about it later."

When Woodward and Roberts, who got engaged this month, wed sometime next year, their interpolitical marriage may be considered taboo. Research published last month in social science journal Public Opinion Quarterly found that 40 percent of Americans surveyed in 2010 would be "displeased" if their child married someone outside their political party-up from 5 percent in 1960.

Bela Gandhi, founder of dating-coach firm Smart Dating Academy in Chicago, said interpolitical relationships are no different than relationships between people with different religions-partners just have to be respectful of each other's beliefs and try not to be antagonistic.

"It's OK that you don't have the same viewpoints. We don't have to be carbon copies of each other," Gandhi said. "Let the other person speak [their political mind]. Really listen to what they're saying. ... Don't try to change them."

Katie Armstrong and Paul LeVasseur, who both live in Lakeview, still remain divided on major political issues after five years of dating.

He is pro-life and believes that gay people should not marry but civil unions are OK. His core issues this election are the economy and foreign policy.

She is pro-choice and believes in gay marriage. Her core issues this election are education and female and gay rights.

When it comes to Obama, "he really does make my blood boil," LeVasseur, 30, said.

But Armstrong, 27, said she was ecstatic when Obama won the election in 2008. She attended Obama's celebration in Grant Park with her mother, aunt and uncle-leaving LeVasseur behind.

"She pretty much left it alone. I think she knew that was not the time to mess with me," LeVasseur said about election night 2008. "I just wanted to get to the next day and let her have her moment."

Not provoking each other is a secret to Armstrong and LeVasseur's success as a couple. They watch political debates apart and don't rub candidates' successes and failures in each other's faces.

They currently live separately but plan to move in together and get married. Even then, they say they may watch political debates and events independently. If they have children, they plan to impart both political views on their offspring.

But Armstrong and LeVasseur are not worried about the future. They say when it comes to agreeing on political issues, there's nowhere their relationship can go but up.

"I honestly don't think it will be an issue. If we can get through Obama unscathed, it couldn't get any worse," LeVasseur said. "Going forward, it won't be as bad."

Armstrong agrees. "Politics aren't everything," she said. "There's no reason why it can't work. We both want to live our lives the same way. Same goals. Same moral path."

Politics aside, there is another major difference between LeVasseur and Armstrong, who both attended Indiana University.

She prefers the University of Southern California football team, while LeVasseur, a Michigan native, cheers for the University of Michigan.

Luckily, they both support Indiana basketball.

Gratefully, Roberts and Woodward are not in the same situation. They both root for the same college football team-the Mizzou Tigers.

Said Roberts: "If she were a [University of Kansas] fan, this would not work."


Sex, politics and dating: A survival guide

Bela Gandhi, founder of dating coach firm Smart Dating Academy in Chicago, has tips for new and longtime interpolitical couples:

>> When you should reveal your political opinions to a potential mate: "Definitely wait at least a couple of dates. Try to get the person to try to like you first. Once the person likes you and is invested in you, they're more likely to accept your beliefs and baggage."

>> What you should do if your mate's political beliefs change over the course of your relationship: "Keep in mind what you love about the person. ... Agree to disagree."

>> How you should weather an election debate: "If it's going to lead to an argument, if you know you're both so polarized about these issues, if you're a Democrat, go out with your Democrat friends. If you're a Republican, watch it with your Republican friends. Don't antagonize your relationship. You don't have to watch it together."

>> How you should raise your children: "Talk about things beforehand. You can teach [the kids] about both political views. You can show them you're a tolerant household."

Original Article*

Listen to Podcast Here

Original Article*

Listen to Podcast Here

“This year we’ve had two engagements, two marriages, and two babies,” gushes Bela Gandhi
Gandhi. It’s been a while since we chatted with the founder of Smart Dating Academy. She’s so busy spreading the news about others that it takes a bit for her own to come out.

“Match.com called me. I figured it would take a while to sort things, out, but those people are like a rocket ship. I was on a plane to Dallas two days later.”

Chemistry.com, one of the MANY online dating sites owned by Match.com (which is in turn owned by IAC, Barry Diller’s company), has been trying to figure out how to better compete with eHarmony, one of the few sites NOT owned by Match.

They hired Helen Fischer, well-known anthropologist who specializes in relationships, to develop a personality test for them, which she did. The idea is that relationships work best between certain types of people, and you need to know what type you are in order to figure that out. The test and results are free. I took the test, and it’s scary accurate…hard to believe the computer gremlins weren’t chatting with my friends and peeking in my closet.

The test reveals if you are a Builder, Director, Explorer, or Negotiator, or some combination. And Dr. Fischer, chief Scientific Advisor to Chemistry.com also explains who makes good partners with whom, and why. More details are in her book, Why Him? Why Her? Just picked it up from the library so stay tuned.

“As the Chemistry.com folks were figuring out what would be most helpful for their clients,” said Bela,” the idea of an online dating coach kept coming up. So they called me.”

And now as part of National Singles Week—who knew?—she’s launching, atop her personal dating coaching services, online coaching.

“But won’t that cut into your business?”

“Not at all,” she said. “It’s like personal training and gym membership. The gym membership is good and helpful, but there are always going to be people who’d like personal training. And I’m happy be able to do both.”

Bela’s first coaching tips….Pictures: Most singles want casual to see casual pictures (81%) and also a full-body picture (74%). Professional photos and hipster photos….less helpful. Outdated pictures worst of all.

Top teal breaker amongst on-line daters is the cliché, saying that “you’re not into playing games.”

I suppose she’s not referring to the games of Scrabble and Bannanagrams.

Original Article*

By: Amy Dickinson

Dear Amy: After 30 years of a wonderful marriage, I was widowed at the age of 51. At 54, I now feel I am ready to swim in the dating pool again and have dipped my toes in several dating sites to try and find someone to date.

My issue is that I used to be quite obese and since my wife's death I have shed 135 pounds and gotten my life back.
Most of the responses that I have gotten are from ladies 10 years either way of my age and are the size I used to be.
My profile is very specific about my eating and exercise habits.

I always answer any response I get, and I am always polite and try and let these women know that I am not interested in dating a large woman.

I have lived that lifestyle and do not want to go back to it.

I get back a lot of hateful and abusive responses!

I know that we should each look to the person inside, but if there is no initial attraction there is no initial attraction.

I suppose I should just not answer the responses, but that seems to be wrong to me.

Is it kinder to leave the ladies wondering or to let them know that there is no way a relationship could develop? — New to Dating

Dear New: For an expert's opinion on this, I shared your letter with Bela Gandhi, a date "coach" and founder of Smart Dating Academy in Chicago (smartdatingacademy.com).

She says, "The rules are totally different in online dating. "No response" is the right thing to do when you're not interested — it's the polite way of saying, 'No thanks!'

"It's much more humane; who wants to wake up to an in-box full of detailed rejection notes?

"Online dating is a whole new world, where anyone can contact anyone — and you're competing against millions of men. Make sure that your photos are current and show you at your best: well-dressed and smiling with head shots and body shots.

"Also make sure that your online profile essays reflect interesting and fun specifics about you — not just eating and exercise habits."

Original Article*

From millionaires to pet lovers, the niche options are plentiful. But is this a good thing?

April 17, 2012|Jen Weigel | Lessons for life

If you're looking for love in all the wrong places, you may not be aware of just how many places there are to look these days — especially in the world of online dating.
"There are an estimated 1,500 dating sites that cater to every niche, every religion, every lifestyle you can imagine," said Bela Gandhi, founder of the Smart Dating Academy. "Online dating sites have exploded."

I wrote a column last year about giving online dating a try, and gave up on the whole concept after a week. It was exhausting, and most of the people I encountered — well, let's just say they weren't my type. But I couldn't help but wonder if a smaller, more niche site would deliver better results. Whether you're a vegan (veganpassions.com) or lover of agriculture (farmersonly.com), there truly does seem to be an option for everyone.

"A lot of specialty sites started out by people who were frustrated with how much lying was going on with online profiles on the bigger ones," Gandhi said. "Sparkology.com only allows men to register who can prove they graduated from a top tier university, for example."

Josh Black, who launched the dating site marrymealready.com in December of 2011 with his wife, Candy Tolentino, said he wanted to create a site geared toward "marriage-minded individuals."

"We believe that a more effective model for online dating is to start with the most important thing to you, and in our case, it's what type of relationship you are looking for," Black said. "We have a sincerity pledge when you sign up for our site and you commit to being interested in looking for a serious relationship that could lead toward marriage."

Black said since launching the site in December of 2011, they now have "several thousand members." Gandhi said that number is respectable, considering they are so new to the game.

"If a new site fills a hole they can take off," she said. "OKcupid.com hit the market to compete with the big guys and it was just bought by match.com in February for $50 million, so you can get lucky if your concept really fills a need. The competition is growing every day."

Gandhi said for the social media-savvy, zoosk.com is gaining in popularity. The site is described by its users as "very location and picture reliant." And if you want to forget about taking all those compatibility quizzes, howaboutwe.com focuses on letting its members create unique dates. After posting the proposed date, those who have interest in coming along can respond.

"With howaboutwe.com, the assumption is you want to attract people with similar interests," Gandhi said. "I have a New York client who loves this site. Some guy said, 'How about we go hit golf balls?' She actually had fun and went on a few dates with him. It allows you to be creative."

As for the prices, many sites are either free or offer free trials to stay competitive, Gandhi said.
"But you have to be careful that you don't get charged after the trial periods are over," she said. "Some sites will automatically do this so you have to be sure to read the fine print."

Original Article*

Listen to podcast here

By: Gena Kaufman

It’s National Singles Week, and in honor of those of us still looking for love, Chemistry.com partnered with the Smart Dating Academy to survey 1,000 single men and women about online dating profiles. Use the following info to brush up your profile, and maybe next year you’ll be celebrating an anniversary instead of your single status.

• How to Lose a Guy In Ten Seconds: Men’s biggest turn-offs in the world of online dating profiles are women who are too picky about who they want to date, poor grammar, and old photos. Women on the other hand, hate it when guys overuse LOLs and JKs in their profiles.
• Size DOES matter (sorry guys!): Men prefer women keep their “about me” section to just a paragraph; women think guys need to write about 2-3 paragraphs.
• The kiss of death is being generic: I called this months ago, but no one likes it when a profile is filled with clichés. For instance, no on likes to “play games, so saying so is the number one cliché dealbreaker. Women, don’t bother saying you “live life to the fullest,” and men, forget about your love of “long walks on the beach” or how you “know how to have a good time.” The opposite sex is rolling their eyes.
• Say cheese!: Both women and men look at smiles first in a potential match’s profile. Women also like gazing into the photo’s eye,s while men check out women’s physique.
• Get up close and personal: Profile pic dos: Casual photos (81% of singles prefer), fully body shots (74% want to see), and close ups/headshots (70% think this is necessary). Photo don’ts: Instagram shots and your professional LinkedIn pictures. This isn’t a Tumblr or a job interview.

Original Article*

wgnam-bill-moller-with-bela-ghandi-82512.mp3

By: Zovig Garboushian

I had the opportunity to speak Bela Gandhi, Relationship Coach and Founder of Smart Dating Academy in Chicago.Her life’s work is helping people find great love and I am enchanted with this. So here’s my brief conversation with Bela on style, image, relationships and dating.

Q: How long have you been doing relationship coaching?
A: “Unofficially for 20 years, but started my business three years ago. I was always that girl who was sought out for relationship advice. At first, I thought I wanted to be matchmaker because everyone knows what that is. As I started to get clients, I would watch them go out on dates and realize that they needed more help than just being set up. I decided to start helping people figure out their blind spots so they could feel more confident about themselves.

When I was 22 years old my college roommate became a good friend. She was introverted and quiet and I was always going out and doing things. One Friday night, I was out and met a guy and immediately thought he’d be great for my roommate. I told him, “I have your wife for you,” but found out quickly that he had a girlfriend. Flash forward to when I was 25, then engaged. Both my roommate and this friend were at my engagement party (and he was then single). He asked about my old roommate and I told him, “Listen, I’m going to seat you together at my wedding but you better man up and call her!” Well, turns out, the Saturday before my wedding they had their first date and went out every night that week! Two years later they called and told me they were engaged! I put down the phone and realized this is what I am supposed to do. I just couldn’t shake the idea so I quit my job and two years later, I started my business.”

What are some common style mis-steps that women make in dating?
Professional, successful women want to get promoted in a man’s world and to do that, they often take on more masculine characteristics in their look. They wear pants suits and cut their hair shorter. And those behaviors are rewarded in their careers. The problems start when they take that style into their dating lives. They don’t understand that their Prada power suite doesn’t necessarily work in their personal lives. I won’t photograph women in suits. I’ve actually had to say, “No blazers!” I tell them, “That’s too work-looking. Where’s your feminine side? Where’s the girl?” And, then we work to get back to those dresses and skirts.

How do your stylists work with your clients?
It’s very specific to each woman. We’ll do a quick closet consult and create a Style Prescription with a shopping plan for them. We buy clothing for both their photo shoots as well as their dates.

You mentioned “blind spots”. What are common blind spots that your clients have when dating?
Doing the same things over and over, going to the same places and talking to the same types of people. People think that they have a “type”. They continue to chase what they want instead of looking for what they need. People don’t know how to clarify the difference between those two things. And, usually a person’s wants and needs differ greatly.

What are your clients’ most common fears about dating?
Women in their mid-30s and 40s are most often thinking, “Am I going to be single forever?” They have a lot of anxiety about it because they want to get married and have children. We have to help them confront that anxiety because it doesn’t them help in dating. I have to remind them that they can’t expect it to happen tomorrow. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. If you wanted to lose 50 lbs, you can’t expect to wake up after one day of good eating and have lost 50 lbs. And that’s where coaching comes in, to guide them through the process.

What’s the most common dating question you get?
Women ask me every day, “Can we call them [men]?” There’s no right answer. I tell them that it’s person-specific. If you’re dealing with an Alpha male, chances are they don’t want you to call. If he’s more quiet or subdued, then calling him may be okay. Two Alphas create high-highs and low-lows in a relationship. That may not work. It should be very yin and yang. You have to look for complementary energy.

Have you ever had any unsuccessful situations when someone wasn’t able to find a relationship?
Sometimes you’re undoing 35 years of bad of dating habits. I work with men and women in New York City and they have a lot of these dating patterns that they can’t seem to break. Why they have these patterns is a mystery and it can take a few years to break them. It can get emotional because it’s a very vulnerable part of people’s lives. It’s one of the most important decisions a person can make. It’s important for me to understand their pasts and identify what they need so they can stop dating the kind of people they’re dating and look for something different. If they want a healthy relationship, they have to take the steps to make that happen.

Have you ever had doubts about what you’re doing?
Only when I was matchmaking. All the sudden in April 2010 I realized that matchmaking wasn’t the solution. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack. I realized that the real value is in teaching my clients how to fish versus giving them the fish and asking them what they need to do to help them change their patterns. We talk about building these skills and they take the skills to the rest of their lives.

What are some of your most notable relationship successes?
Well, we just had a Smart Dating baby born eight weeks ago. But really, any success is when I get invited to the weddings and can see how happy my clients are.

How would you describe your personal style?
Eclectic. Some days it’s ruffles and feminine styles. Some days I’m funky and bohemian. Some days I’m edgy and modern, but definitely a blend.

Original Article*

First, a little bit of background. In 1983, at the age of 42, my father Kanti decided to leave his comfortable job at a big chemicals company, and join a nearly bankrupt paint company – to fulfill a dream he always had: to have his own business. The new company’s prospects weren’t exactly golden. They promised him only to match his salary, and warned him about the health of their struggling enterprise. My father explained his vision – to create a competitive product to DuPont’s Teflon non-stick coatings for cookware and bakeware. They responded to his pitch by saying, “Great.You’ve got one year to make it work. If you do, we’ll stay open, and if you don’t, we’ll turn the lights out….permanently.”Talk about high-stakes pressure! He worked tirelessly, was super ambitious, and started to turn it around. It took more blood, sweat and tears that he would tell us about – and he was never happy to miss graduations, Christmas, but did what he had to do. A short eight years later, he was giving a DuPont a real run for their money, and had become the second largest supplier of non-stick coatings to the US cookware market. Not a bad outcome for a guy armed only with the dream and the energy to see it through.

Flash forward to 1993 – I graduate from the University of Illinois in Urbana with two degrees: Finance and German Language. I got the plum job most U of I business grads wanted:a position at a “BigSix” consulting firm. I started the job in 1993, and knew within the first half-day that I was a fish out of water. I am a textbook extrovert – but spent my days sitting in the cube, working on Excel spreadsheets. I felt like a flower with no sunlight. My Dad astutely realized how miserable I was, and one night starting peppering me with invitations: “Why don’t you come and work for me?” This had become sort of a theme with him. Whenever he saw an opening, he would urge me to work with him. My response as always was, “Dad, I took one high school chemistry class, and wasn’t very good at it. What on earth would I do for you?” With an intense look in his eyes (very typical of my dad), he said something that changed the course of my life forever: “You will only be limited by your own ambition. Don’t ever ask me that question again.” And with that, he turned around and walked out of the kitchen while I just stood there.

That night, my father’s words kept rolling around in my head, echoing, and the thought of only being limited by myself was beyond intriguing. Two weeks later, I jumped –and left my desk job and the depressing world of cubicle life forever. I joined his company called Coatings and Chemicals Corporation, or CCC as we were known.

Professionally, it was the best decision I ever made. I became immersed like a student in a new world, absorbing facts about Polytetrafluoroethylene, Poly Amide Imides, and so many other things that eventually became second nature to me. I worked day and night because I wanted to. Like my father, I couldn’t get enough. I learned to drive a forklift, visited clients onfive continents twice a year every year, closed big deals, and became a partner in the business we ultimately sold in 2001 to a large Dutch multi-national firm. The rest of the family (Dad, Mom, brother) retired then, but I stayed on, to became sort of the “EVP / Global Ambassador”– helping to integrate the business I helped build. I finally decided to leave the business in 2006 with no idea of what I wanted to do – but I had the feeling that something better was coming for me. There was actually one idea that no matter how hard I tried (and believe me I tried) I just couldn’t shake.

Starting way back in college, I started to have these “feelings” about people – and “knowing” that they should be together. In 1997, (much to my husband’s chagrin), I told two friends of ours that if they went out on ONE date, they would, with 100% certainty, get married. This was my version of telling other people they were only limited by their own ambition, I guess…. When they called me in 1999 and said they got engaged, I put the phone down, and had this unforgettable feeling at that moment — that I had found my life’s work: I was supposed to do this. And so, following my instincts, I kept doing it, and set up more and more couples that are married and have kids.

Flash forward to 2008. I had a dream to start my company as a professional matchmaker. People would tell me that matchmaking and dating is a terrible business, blah blah blah. This of course was merely a restatement of my greatest insecurities and fears — and it was demoralizing. Then, one warm night in June 2009, the words, “You’re only limited by your own ambition” came roaring back. I had been pondering this idea for so long, and was doing absolutely zero about it. For some reason, that evening, the light bulb went off (or maybe it was the 2 glasses of Malbec I had consumed). I was limiting myself again (how could I just become a matchmaker, how would I be received, what if I fail?), and the normal insecurities again I was prone to. The words kept ringing. I was getting inspired. I decided that evening that if I could put together a plan, I could make it work.

In the fall 2009, I put together that plan, and on a wing and a prayer, I opened my business called Smart Dating Academy. It is one of the best things I’ve ever done, and I couldn’t be happier with my life. It is growing to be the company I’ve dreamed of.

On this Father’s Day, I reflect on my many blessings as a daughter. I have been so lucky to have an influence like my Father has been on my life. And so I’d like to say to him:

Dad, you might not even remember the kitchen incident in 1993, but you inspired me in ways that I could never have imagined. Thank you for teaching me that in many ways, I was the only thing holding me back. You freed me, allowed me to jump, and taught me more about business than Harvard, Yale, and Stanford could have combined. In fact, I proudly hold an advanced degree from the University of Kanti Gandhi, and it’s the best education I could ever receive. I am grateful to you in so many ways, but wanted you to know how much you’ve impacted me – and changed my life forever.

*Original article posted at AskAmyDaily*

My mom is unequivocally my best friend – the first person I call in the morning, and the last person I call before I go to bed. She is wiser than the owl, and as sweet as they come, and even helped me to pursue my dream to become a professional matchmaker. Her advice has always been sound – and one of the best pieces of advice she ever gave me was how to smartly choose a husband.

My mom met my Dad on Sunday April 20, 1969 got engaged four days later on Thursday April 24, and married 3 days later on April 27, 1969. 7 days from start to finish – and they just celebrated 43 years of marriage. If you couldn’t clearly guess by my last name, my parents are from India, the land of arranged marriages. Contrary to popular belief, arranged marriages aren’t usually horrible, nor to complete strangers. You’re not “promised” at birth to the neighbor’s weird son, or forced to walk into your wedding never having seen your husband. Think of today’s “arranged marriage” as you would a strategic set-up by those that know you best (i.e, your family). Your parents help identify “suitable candidates” who have similar family backgrounds, socioeconomic strata, educational levels, religions – i.e., the “big picture” common denominators. Marriage is a very big deal in our culture, and something not to be taken lightly. Mom always said that the most important decision you’ll ever make is the person you marry. ”Honey, get the big things right” she’d so often say. My Mom never stressed marrying someone Indian. “Make sure he’s educated, cute (to you at least!), from a good family, hard working, kind, generous, and family oriented. Common interests aren’t so important – if you love the symphony and he doesn’t, go on your own or find someone else to go with. Get the big things right….Opposites might attract, but they don’t last.”

I found my perfect match in a good friend from high school. I got everything I needed in my husband, and much of what I wanted. He is hard working, kind, an amazing dad, smart, intellectually curious, and nice to me and everyone around him, every day, because that’s just who he is. He is a great partner, and without him, our family wouldn’t be what it is, and I certainly couldn’t have started the business 3 years ago. On May 17 (next week) – I’ll celebrate my 15th wedding anniversary with Andy, who is ultra high GHQ (ultra high in Good Husband Qualities as we say at Smart Dating Academy).

Thanks, Mom, for your sound advice – and for teaching me to choose well. You couldn’t be more right. Marrying him is the most important (and best) decision I’ve made – and with your guidance, I got the big things right. I’m eternally grateful. Thanks for being my BFF and I couldn’t love you more.

*Original article posted at AskAmyDaily*

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Last week, I wrote an article about man whose 1600 word post-date “email rant” to the woman who had spurned him had gone viral (much to his chagrin). Well, it seems another man’s private dating writing has gone viral post date, but this time it was a Dating Spreadsheet replete with names, photos, a rating system and a “monitoring” system. Apparently, he had mentioned this Dating Spreadsheet to a very hot date and she asked to see it. Disarmed, he emailed it to her and she was so amused that she could not help but share it with her friends and then the world via the web and the New York Post.

Oh, how he regrets that! He has issued a public apology saying his spreadsheet was crass and has removed himself from Match.com and most likely lives in mortal fear that he will never get, umm…another date again. It’s a shame too, as his cachet of dates were all very attractive women, though one received a modest 7.5 and a “keep monitoring to a minimum” rating which made me laugh out loud. I guess it’s something about the word “monitoring” that brings to mind the image of a physicist overseeing nuclear reactors.

What’s even more of a shame is that I do think it was very smart of him to keep a dating spreadsheet, regardless of its crassness. As he said himself, he’s very busy and wanted to keep track of his dates. And who can blame him, you meet a lot of people on online dating sites and it can benefit you to keep a record of the details, especially if you get to the date two stage with someone. You’ll want to remember details about that

person from the first date so that you can make great conversation and charm your way to date three, right?
With that in mind, here is some advice for your personal dating spreadsheet – and again I can’t emphasize PERSONAL enough:

Details: The best thing about a Dating Spreadsheet is to keep track of details so you don’t mess things up (say the wrong thing to the wrong guy). Keep track of his username (if online) & real name, what does he do, where he’s from, how you connected? It’s easy to forget these details when you’re nervous on a first date. Also, what did you talk about? Where did you go? What did you like or not like about him? And if you’re like most of us, what did you wear? Wouldn’t want to repeat an outfit (only partly joking here)!

A to F or 1 to 10? A rating system is entirely up to you. It’s for your eyes only after all. A rating system might help you, especially after consecutive dates. Someone who seemed a 7 on date one might be a 9 on date two. I recommend an A-list, B-list, and so on – just keeps it easier. Again, unless the date is really terrible, you should go on a second date to see if chemistry develops (chemistry can come WAY later in the game for women).

Tracking: This is where a Data Spreadsheet can really come in handy. Do you tend to have good first dates that don’t lead to seconds? Or are you impressed on the first date but never on the second? Sometimes, it might be you. If you’re not getting second dates, what might it be? Was it a tough day at work, and you were complaining about work – giving him the impression you’re a negative workaholic? Or, if you never want a third date, maybe you may be too picky and should ask yourself why. Is it fear?

Analysis: This is the most valuable use of a spreadsheet. As I’ve said before, waiting for love to come to you without putting any work in is not the way to approach dating. You have to put in effort and a spreadsheet can help you organize your dating life and remember important details. And because you are dating consistently, as you should, you will see over time that patterns do develop. Perhaps you might see you are attracted to attractive men only, but who disappoint you emotionally. Or maybe you like someone emotionally, but don’t want to go further because they’re not attractive enough. This is where you analyze all of the details and can learn not only about your dates but about yourself, your past and how you can improve.

Finally, dating is work but there’s always a reward: great dates, hopefully that lead to an end of spreadsheets!

*Original article posted at TCW*

Recently, a dating story caught my interest – about a man and woman who had just met and went on a date shortly after. She says the date was terrible. He apparently didn’t think so and called her repeatedly. She did not return his calls. Not convinced or accepting of her rejection, he wrote an email to her demanding an apology, claiming that he had been led on. He thought she had enjoyed the date because she touched her hair and stared into his eyes, which he seemed to think were universal signs of a deep attraction. He continued to explain his feelings in an astounding 1,600 word rambling stream of consciousness that would make the cringe-worthy rambling phone message in the film Swingers seem tame!

The woman, horrified, shared this email with friends and it eventually went viral. Some women in the comments declared that men in his line of work were notorious for their supersized egos and bad dating behavior and raised a piñata of sorts where all began to bash.

While the man was out of touch with reality, it is quite sad and frightening that his private life became public. It’s also quite ironic that his frustration of not having a concrete answer from her post-date has now become a solid “no” to him, as well as an indictment of his career field.

The incident brings to mind two very important dating tenets often lacking in 21st dating: discretion and good old-fashioned manners.

With that in mind, I’d like to share some simple Do’s and Don’ts with the hope of helping make the dating world a more peaceful place.

Do be very careful and extremely mindful of what you write in an email. Every stroke of the keyboard can and might be used against you, as our aforementioned piñata friend learned. Same goes with a text. In this day and age, millions can look at your written words gone viral!

Do be honest but kind post-date. This one is tricky because it is hard to let someone down in whom you are not interested in. My advice is that unless the date is terrible and there is a real dealbreaker (anger, hostility, he’s criticizing you, drunk), go out with him again because chemistry can develop. However, if you do have to end it after date #1, write an email saying, “Thanks so much for the date. I enjoyed getting to know you and think we’d be better suited as friends!” Sweet and simple. I‘m sure Mr. Piñata would have appreciated it and wouldn’t have been driven to write such a crazy email.

Don’t be rude. I have a friend who wrote politely to a woman who he was interested in on Match.com and received a scalding response: “I would never date you in million years, and I am shocked that you think that I ever would.” While it seems somewhat amusing it’s not. Don’t go completely “Rambo” with honesty. It’s not good karma and it’s unnecessary.

I know it can be rough out there. Online dating can be a slog – there are 20-40 million people on at any given time. Women get frustrated: “The good ones are taken”. Men get frustrated: “Women only use dating websites for free dinners.” Our lives are stressful and this often gets projected onto our dating behavior where a “match” can turn into a “scrimmage.” Remember that good behavior begets good behavior, and honesty and kindness will attract the same. If you don’t want to kiss the frogs, don’t kill them – gently return them to the pond!

*Original article posted at TCW*

If you've ever watched Two and a Half Men or come across a reference to "The Game" or the "Pick Up Artist Community," you know the scenario: a self-proclaimed lothario coaches an unlucky-in-dating, hapless man on how to get luckier with the ladies. Sadly, it seems that premise has inspired a mainstream market of “seduction/date coaches” whose sole advice is to teach men how to improve their “game” for seducing women. Just Google “Dating Coach for Men,” and you'll see macho men chewing gum, or so called “doctors” giving tips for “dating."

If only these male dating coaches were teaching men how to better themselves and how to find a long term mate; unfortunately, many are just taking a cue from Two and a Half Men's Charlie Harper and teaching men how to attract and seduce as many women as possible for short term sexual gratification.

So, while we’re spending hours and hard-earned dollars trying to attract the perfect mate and putting our faith in finding Mr. Right, some men gather secretly to learn new ways to, presumably, foil us. And despite what some apparent Prince Charmings claim on their online dating profiles, some are Charlie Sheen-wannabes who have infiltrated social network dating sites with the sole purpose of scoring.

So ladies beware of the players, and don’t let them win in the dating game!

“WINNING”

W: Would you like him if you weren’t drinking? It sounds old-fashioned and perhaps boring, but you might want to consider having first dates over beverages sans alcohol and more importantly, sans darkness! Alcohol blurs judgment and is often a player’s most valuable tool.

I: Insults you. If he tries to insult you upon first meeting or writing, he might not only be rude, but may be trying to manipulate you by making you think that he isn’t interested and you aren’t attractive. This is a classic manipulation technique that seducers are taught to throw attractive women off. It’s often called “negging” (being negative). Sad, but true – so beware of the man that asks you, “What’s wrong with your hair?” “Did you forget to look in the mirror before you left the house?” It’s a ploy!

N: Not nice to his exes. If he is overly negative about his past relationships, be wary. History often repeats itself – listen carefully. There are two sides to every story and you only get his. How he tells his stories says a lot more about him than you might think.

N: Not available. He calls or, even worse, only texts intermittently and never has time on the weekends. It doesn’t add up. Working all of the time? Hmm, seems very suspicious. If someone is really interested in you, he makes himself available to you.

I: Instincts, instincts. If you notice him constantly checking his messages and your instincts say, "Wait a minute,” don’t ignore it. He’s not only insensitive, but why does his radar have to always be on? His attention should be on you – and if he is buzzing and beeping while you’re on the date, take some pause here.

N: No, I won’t sleep with him…until I have the level commitment with which I'm comfortable. Don’t make the mistake of letting your hormones blur your judgment. Alcohol can be bad enough, right? I know it’s difficult, especially if he’s attractive, funny and seems to have all of the qualities for which you are looking.

G: Great looking. I know we all want a great looking guy – and that’s the problem. If he’s so good looking, a lot of women also want him and that makes him much more likely to have opportunities to play. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, but you really should ask yourself if you like him for what he has to offer on the inside as well.

And beware – not all “players” are devastatingly handsome. There are scores of less attractive men who aspire to be what “seduction coaches” call “sexually dominant males," meaning they put forth and image of strength and control that women find attractive, and thus begin their seduction to take you from dating to the bedroom as quickly as possible.

So, if you really want to know if he’s the real deal and outplay the players, suggest slowing things down a bit. If he balks and walks, he’s not genuinely interested in you or finding a long-term mate.

*Original article posted at TCW*

The recent news of Whitney Houston’s sudden death was both heartbreaking and tragic. Only 48 years old, on the verge of making a career comeback - Whitney seemed to finally be facing down her demons and embarking on what seemed a drug free life.

And after 14 years of an abusive marriage, Whitney finally broke free in 2006, yet she admitted to still hoping that he would change and come back to her even after she left him. The wake up call to Whitney finally came when photos of Bobby Brown with other women appeared in the press and her daughter broke through to her by saying: “Enough, Mom! He always disappoints you and you deserve better”.

There are many of us who have been in Whitney’s situation – hanging on in an abusive situation and giving the person we love the benefit of the doubt, time after time after time. And most of us reach a tipping point, but some of us do not and continue to languish in unfulfilling relationships with men who can’t and won’t love.

If you happen to be in this situation and need incentive to leave or if you have just left a situation and are ready to date again, here is what you should be looking for and settle for nothing less than Mr. Right:

Mindful: Mr. Right, or someone with Good Husband Qualities, is mindful of your needs. If you’ve had a bad day, he wants to hear about it. If you want to take that class you’ve always dreamed of or make a career change, he makes you feel good about it and shows encouragement and does not feel threatened.

Respect: Someone with Good Husband Qualities always shows respect by listening and caring about your feelings. He doesn’t show a cartoon, eye popping, and tongue rolling face when an attractive woman walks by. And he would never show disrespect in his behavior towards you by neglecting you, lying or cheating.

Resolves: The right mate works to resolve issues and conflicts through mature discussion and reasoning. He may get upset, we all do, but his anger doesn’t escalate into threats, verbal abuse or violence. If he blames you for his anger and says your behavior gives him cause to behave badly, you are in an abusive relationship and should get away as fast as you can.

Integrity: Mr. Right is always acts with integrity and doesn’t disappoint you or your children. In fact, Bobby Brown’s daughter said there were many times when he did not do what he said he would do and that is devastating to a child.

Grateful: The right person deeply appreciates you and shows that appreciation through loving words, kindness and affection. He knows he can do no better and lets you know it. He doesn’t have to shower you with gifts – just lets you know that you can trust in his love for you.

Happy: Mr. Right should make you feel happy. You should feel confident in who you are, and how you express yourself. He wants to be with you and lets you know it. If you are constantly seeking advice from family and friends because he makes you wonder or second guess or doubt yourself or his love for you, then he’s Mr. Wrong.

Tolerant: Mr. Right doesn’t blow up when something goes wrong and use it as an excuse to blame you or put you down. He reacts to a crisis situation in a mature and respectful way. He does not bale or walk away when the going gets tough. He tolerates your faults and loves you in spite of them because that’s what love is.

So, if you find yourself with Mr. Wrong, it’s time to walk away. He’s not going to change and he’s selfishly wasting your precious time. Don’t be like Whitney – instead learn from her mistake and start inserting Mr. Right into the “Saving all My Love for You” song. There are plenty of men with Good Husband Qualities and you should settle for nothing less. You deserve love and happiness - remember that.

*Original article posted at TCW*

Can all that tweeting, liking and sharing really boost your bottom line? When TCW posted a query in December – via social media – seeking entrepreneurs who successfully used Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and other social media channels to grow their business, I admit I was skeptical. Isn’t social media’s return on investment still unproven, or does it really work?

Within 24 hours, TCW received over a dozen responses (and far more leads) from women whose businesses ranged from retail to professional services. Social media, they affirmed, really works. Some found it led directly to sales, while others appreciated social media for its intended purpose: to develop new relationships and strengthen existing ones. A couple of respondents believed that their use of social media led to exposure on traditional media outlets.

“Social media as a customer service tool can be incredibly powerful,” affirms Mana Ionescu, founder and president of Lightspan Digital, a company that provides social media consulting and services. “Today, social networks are often the first stop for customers looking for updates or to give feedback. It’s no longer a question of whether you should be active online. You have to be there, or many opportunities will pass you by.”

Tiffany Kurtz, owner of Flirty Cupcakes, agrees. Dialogue with her company’s customers, primarily through Facebook and Twitter, has helped the company with product innovation, product expansion, customer service and building a loyal social media following of 33,000.

She notes that her target demographic largely influences their success. “Our customers use social media as an inherent part of their lives,” observes Ms. Kurtz. “If our market wasn’t as dependent on various social media tools, it wouldn’t work as well.”

Since Flirty Cupcakes are sold from a moving van rather than a brick-and-mortar store (though they recently added a dessert garage on Taylor Street), real-time communication is essential. “If we post that we’ll be at the intersection of Dearborn and Monroe but can’t find parking, we need to let our customers know which intersection we’ll actually be at,” she explains.

Mari Luangrath, who owns the cupcake delivery service Foiled Cupcakes, started using Twitter when she learned that her website wouldn’t go live for six weeks. “We don’t have a storefront, so our website was our only portal for orders,” she explains. “We had no choice but to hang out on the social networks to try to build some sort of buzz. In six weeks, we managed to amass several thousand followers who were ready to order – not because we had done any strong, targeted promotions, but because they realized that we were fun, human and interactive.”

In the last two years, more than 90 percent of Foiled Cupcakes’ business has come through social media, with over 60 percent directly from Twitter or Twitter referrals. They have surpassed their initial target revenue by 600 percent.

Another bakery owner, Teresa Ging, owner of Sugar Bliss Cake Boutique, uses social media to communicate news about seasonal cupcake flavors, gift cards, special promotions and events at her two Chicago storefront locations. Daily posts on Twitter and Facebook, she says, “remind customers about your product and company. It’s an easy way to interact with your customers.”

Cindy Kienzle, who started the Hungry Monkey Baking Company almost two years ago when she was 50, a new mom and looking for a business where she could set her own schedule, turned her chocolate chip banana bread and other baked goods into a thriving business. Her products are sold in grocery stores and on her website. She reports that Facebook has been critical to the company’s growth. “We don’t use social media to sell,” she says. “We use it to engage our customers. Our Facebook friends have embraced us, and they have done the promoting for us.”

Social media has also helped business owners get traditional media exposure that led to increased sales. Bela Gandhi, owner of Smart Dating Academy, a dating consulting service, says a Facebook query by a local TV producer led to a live segment on the station’s morning show. That TV segment, she says, “opened up a number of other great opportunities and scores of new clients.”

In the fall of 2011, Ms. Gandhi found PR success again when she entered the “A Day in the Life of an Entrepreneur” online competition sponsored by Crain’s Chicago Business by making a short video with her flip camera. Named a finalist, she blasted the news on her social media channels. “It had a significant impact on our business,” she says. Indeed, her business quadrupled between 2009 and 2011, due to both social media and the video competition.

Two successful online event directories also sing the praises of social media. “Tweeting has enabled me to ‘meet’ people I ordinarily would have a tough time reaching,” says Theresa Carter of The Local Tourist. The Twitter-effort connected Ms. Carter with an NBC producer who invited her to join the NBC-5 Street Team; her coverage of Looptopia won an Emmy.

Stephanie Green, publisher of Soleil’s To-Dos, a Chicago urban event calendar, relies on interactions with Facebook fans and friends to spread the word about the events posted on her website. Her presence and activity on Facebook have enabled her to make contacts that led to emceeing jobs at several nonprofit fundraisers.

Another social media marketing company, Pivotal Production, focuses primarily on using Twitter to grow its business. Owner Shannon Downey states she can “directly link 85 percent of the work we’re doing now to relationships formed through social networks.”

Of course, anyone in the digital sphere has special incentive to understand the power of social media. “If you own that type of business, you’d better be an active user,” says Ms. Ionescu, who prefers Facebook, Twitter and Google+.
The bottom line: If you’re a business owner tip-toeing around the edges of social media, consider adjusting your social media strategy and ramping up your messaging. “Most business owners who successfully use social media spend at least seven hours a week online, and that’s their own time, not an intern’s,” Ms. Ionescu points out. “They understand the importance of presenting an engaging, trustworthy persona and of having a direct interaction with people.”

Original Article*

Does the thought of dating (especially a first date) put a knot in your stomach and get your heart racing? If so, you’re not alone. Dating today is more complex and challenging than it was a decade ago. People are more sophisticated, have higher expectations from a mate, and sex is easier to get. Additionally, online dating has exploded: more than 30 million singles are reported to be dating online, and it’s easier than ever to get a first date. The bottom line from this seismic change? We tend to screen people out much faster than we screen them in – because there are lots of other choices in our inboxes.

Because things have changed so substantially, it’s more important than ever to date well. Rest assured, though, dating well is a skill that can be easily acquired. You can turn the first date into the second date, and then the third – and get “screened in.” First, remember an important fact: Most men are simple…they are looking for warm, happy, kind, and thoughtful women–as they say, a “soft place to land” after work! They are not looking for female versions of themselves.

With this in mind, here are eight great tips to putting your best foot forward for a first date:

1. Step Up Your Feminine Look. Dress beautifully in a dress or pretty colored blouse and skirt. Take some time to get ready – when you feel pretty, you take that “I’m a catch!” energy into your date – which is sexy!
2. Smile a lot. Just like Mama told you. Happy, confident people attract the most people. To truly smile on the outside, you need to get to your “happy place” mentally before the date! Think about the excitement of meeting someone who might be “it!”
3. Like your date. The best way to get someone to like you is to like them first. Sincerely. It’s a complete mindset shift. Think, “I want to make this person feel really good about himself.” Be an active listener, and asking good questions about something he likes/is interested in. Don’t ask questions as if you’re interrogating him, though.
4. Break the force field. For those of our professional women who have had to survive and thrive in a man’s world, it’s hard to get back to “date” mode. You must remind yourself that this is a date, not a business meeting! Give your date a hug when you meet – and a gentle appropriate touch on the arm or back during the evening will jolt him into paying closer attention to you!
5. Be very prepared to chat. Think of fun and interesting stories about yourself that cast you in a good light. They could be about the great things you cook, your beautiful drawings, places you've traveled, fun childhood stories, and unique interests. Think of this as you would a first job interview, and pick good stories, and think about why you love your job, family, friends, etc. Leave all baggage at home!
6. Leave your “Inner CEO” at home. This one always gets the raised eyebrow. Arguing to win, talking too much about work minutiae, or wearing your masculine shoulder padded pantsuit can work against you with many guys. They are more interested in us as whole person – rather than just a compilation of business successes. Being in work mode during your date may leave him with this impression, “I’d rather hire her than date her!”
7. Be lavish with appreciation. We all love to hear nice things – and men are no different. Telling him "I had such a nice time this evening, thank you!!” will make him feel good – and hopefully, want to take you out again!
8. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Don’t rule out a guy unless he demonstrates truly inexcusable behavior on the first date. Chemistry is very unpredictable, and usually takes several dates to develop. This is important – the frog on date 1 can turn into Prince Charming by date 4!

Practice makes perfect – screen more people in than out, and you’ll be well on your way to dating success.

Happy Dating!

*Original article posted at TCW*

Listen as Bela spends one hour on WGN radio with Andrea Darlas, Dave Kaplan, and Brian Noonan - talking about awesome, practicable dating tips!

http://www.wgnradio.com/shows/wgnsportsnight/wgn-sn-gandhi-feb8,0,6411486.mp3file